Crystal Balls
In January 2020, I stopped believing in fate.
I was already on the brink of ditching my belief that it'd be wise to pair up with my most compatible sign (Sagittarius), but it took falling in love with my data-mad, science-loving (Cancerian) ex to turn me truly, madly, deeply atheist.
Not even last year, when I practically over-dosed on magic mushrooms, did my strong beliefs about the non-existence of a greater power waver (more on this experience in my next write-up).
If anything, it made me more atheist. I had such an enchanting, otherworldly and unexpectedly sensual experience when I swallowed 9g of groovy fungus that all it did was reaffirm my beliefs that all religion was started by people high on psychedelics.
Of course I used to love the idea of star signs. What boy-crazed teenage girl didn't love finding out how well sheâd be suited to various high school hotties? Star signs were rad. I loved knowing that all my creative and fun-loving qualities had been predetermined by fate because I was born in June.
But as I got older, and started to learn that not only does the human mind tend to attach meaning to anything it wants to, but I also became aware of how freaking narcissistic it is to believe that youâre so special in so many ways.
Needless to say, it was a welcome adjustment to my belief system when novio came along in a very dogged fashion, touting how silly-billy woo-woo-train astrology actually was.
I didnât need star signs to confirm we were a match anyway, we were compatible in Qantas points.
***
Jump forward to 2024, we've sadly broken up, and I'm still reevaluating my entire personal life almost a year on.
It's become painful, raw and confusing of late, and can I just tell you, I'm extremely tempted to see a psychic to help me channel some of this angst.
I was blessed with a very vivid imagination you see, itâs a Gemini thing đ
Problem is, I mostly use this special power to make myself anxious. ITâS GREAT.
Combine all this with the fact that I'm only just learning to self-soothe and regulate my emotions, and you've got yourself a recipe for a girl who chases crystal balls đź
Dealing with the uncertainty
Itâs weird because my lifestyle is actually full of uncertainty. I never know where I am going to be in a couple of months and Iâm happy with that. I donât need guidance on it because my lifestyle has become a constant creative problem for me to solve.
But I do, for some reason, wish a greater power would navigate me on some other shit.
When I was in my relationship, the reasons for being in it were emotional and logicalâwe loved each other and we were a great match.
When I was living in one place, it was very practical and ânormalââI needed a roof over my head, and this is how people did it.
When I thought I was going to marry and become a mum, I felt committed and excitedâthis is what I've always felt made to do.
There was no need for divine nature to step in because things were clear and there was no uncertainty about it. I had direction and bigger goals in my personal life.
But nowânow that I'm relationshipless and childless and suffering from the first-world problem of uncertainty that I will ever find love that matches the standards of my last one, the first-world problem of people moving on with their lives without me, the first-world problem of being a 36-year-old single white girl in the first-worldâI need things to mean something. I want something to direct me. And I am seeing fucking signs and hearing hidden meanings in everything, every day, all day long.
Like, why was every love song, ever written, totally written about me?
And how do I get in contact with Eros? Iâve got some serious questions for that Greek God bastard đ
Also, how long will it take for all the energy and prayers Iâve sent out into the universe to get into the mind of the man Iâm meant to be with?
Holding on
If you read my emotional outbursts in the last one or two emails, I'm clearly processing, some, things.
And Iâm finding that the only sort of consolation that works for me (I guess besides writing it out and making videos but I canât do that 24 hours a day) is to really hold onto the hope that things will work out how I wish them to.
You know, because they were meant to be that way and everything.
Which is dumb because I donât believe in fate.
Hope
I found irony the other day when my best friendâwho is one of the most psychic-loving, spiritual, star-sign believers of all timeâtold me not to hang on to hope.
Itâs funny because I think hope is all believers have to hang on to.
But I get what he meantâhope is a tricky feeling. While hope will act as the little voice that comforts you when you are uncertain and confused... it can also be used to create unreal expectations for the future.
You can be a believer and hope that the universe has it all worked out for you, or you can be a non-believer and just hope you get your own way; whichever you are, hope causes you to look and listen for the signs and clues and pistas to validate your wants and needs and desires.
But the non-believer feels, deep down, that itâs all BS, and ultimately doesnât get the same relief as the believer. Thatâs me.
I wish I was a believer in something.
The tragedy on hope is that some people go a lifetime living in hope and then just die.
I actually worked on this tweet thread for Mark Manson recently. Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist who survived four Nazi concentration camps, was able to predict which of his fellow prisoners was going to die next, based on how much hope they had left for the future.
That's insane.
Hope keeps people alive. Hope keeps people moving and shaking. Hope is a wonderful thing. But hope can also cause people to hang onto stuff that will never come.
At some point, you have to let go of hope, and it will kill a part of you.
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I HOPE you watch the below video. Itâs pretty much about how Iâm making it work living a life of uncertainty. Itâs only 6 minutes, do it.
Some people go to therapy, others journal, meditate or pray. I make videosđđđđđđđđ
Over and out chicos.
PLEASE EXCUSE TYPOS.
Hey, pal. If youâre still here. Could you do me a favor and subscribe to my YouTube channel. Or subscribe on here, SubStack (less important to me). Thanking you.